If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will be heard for miles. It will echo across acres of land and tens of years. It will be a scream of rage and hurt and violation and of things wrongfully taken. It will put fear into the hearts of wild beasts, topple mountains and shatter the calm. It will ripple and grow and turn in upon itself as it simultaneously devours everything in its path.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will come from the very depths of my soul. It will start at my toes, explode through my heart, spring out through my tears. It will freeze my face in an expression of terror and pain. It will rip through the essence of my being. It would convulse my body into spasms of anguish and sorrow.
I would know, at that instant, how murders happen, how suicides are excused or explained...how vulnerable each of us really are.
I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has been hurt, abused, neglected, afraid, abandoned or forgotten. I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has sought comfort and been turned away or ignored, that looked for answers without knowing the questions.
If I ever let out the scream inside me it would be an emotional vomiting of things rotten and diseased, of things soured and spoiled...contaminated things that sit and churn and cannot be purged by any other means than an immense, sudden and explosive release. For the feelings behind the scream are volatile....and pressurized.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, I will have to do it alone, for I was alone when it was forced upon me in the first place. The scream is mine and mine alone. It is one of the few things I was allowed to keep. Most everything else was taken.
But now the scream wants to be set free....it doesn't want to be mine anymore. It demands release. How can I expect anyone to hold me near? I don't even want to be here...Hide, hide! Go to sleep! Maybe it will fade away. Maybe it will stay... I don't think so. I think it wants out.
It hurts! It swells and presses outward...but I can't let it go!!! I am paralyzed by it. It's got ME captive instead of the other way around. Or...maybe we're both prisoners of each other....?
I just don't know....
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I wrote this in the early 1990's during a particularly bad part of my life. I post it about once a year and thought now was as good a time as any for this year. (I had to go digging through my mental laptop briefcase to remember where to find it.)
Sunday, August 8
The Scream
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8 comments.. so far:
I think this scream would be joined by many many others throughout the world...including mine.
very powerful, Barb.
Oh my. This is such a stunning and powerful post. It reached out and grabbed me. I am so thankful that you are open and honest about the things you have gone through and are going through. There are so many people that you have the power to help.
I can't thank you enough.
I have heard the screams of abused children and adults. the fear will always remain so as long as the fight within stays hidden. Rose
Very, very well written. Simultaneously fascinating and horrifying. Also, I imagine, very therapeutic.
I knew it was a good day when I discovered your blog.
I have always thought... and always will think... this is one of the best posts and pieces of writing I've ever read.
jumping back. thanks for your comment on my blog. I wish at times i could sleep in and i still at times stay up like now. take care. Rose
Love you Barb
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