Mike, as usual, has been distant. No, he hasn't been distant. We talk about safe things like tv shows, how his day at work went, the weather. What I think I mean is unemotional. In particular, towards me.
Last night I went fishing for a compliment. I didn't even get a nibble. I've been wanting some embellishment for my tattoo and so it was on my mind. I decided to approach things with that.
Here's what happened -
Me: Ya know.. when I got the tattoo, I was kinda hoping you'd think it was sexy.
Me: Well, I suppose it wouldn't matter because, even if I lost weight, I still wouldn't be pretty. (That's the fishing part.)
Him: You can be sexy sometimes.
Him: You're a good person.
I suppose I could consider that a compliment. Maybe I should.. but I didn't. I took it as he doesn't think I'm pretty. This is already pretty much ingrained in my mind and it would take a bomb to get it out. It was however a small river that carved the Grand Canyon. Maybe if I got complimented once in a while, a little at a time, a bomb wouldn't be needed.
I get complimented on my cooking. That's about all. I never get told I look nice, that I am pretty. Never. Ok, sometimes after fishing really hard but that isn't the same. (I tell him all the time that he looks nice or that's a good color for him, etc.)
Here's the worst part! He does not lie. Not that I know of anyway. That makes me wonder if he can't/won't say those compliments I crave so badly because it would mean he'd either have to be hurtful (honest) or honest (lie)?
Thinking about this the rest of the night put me in a sad kind of mood. We're supposed to be trying to rebuild our marriage, or at least hold it steady. Once again, like the whole marriage to date, I cannot do it alone.